and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
