If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
