News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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