You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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