cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
