My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize