erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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