Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
sex in a hospital.. check
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
