I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
