no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
