I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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