I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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