I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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