I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize