She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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