I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
