I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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