Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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