I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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