so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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