i love accidental penises.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
