Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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