I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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