He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The uberlube is also flammable
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
