u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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