saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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