I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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