You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
