I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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