I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
