i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
