I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
