there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
