Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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