R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
