that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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