The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
