dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Randomize
