Nicole vs. Life
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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