I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
