In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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