Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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