You made me cry and you don't even care
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
