farters have to be the big spoon...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
