btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
