that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
