made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
