I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
