I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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