I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
