Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
