i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
