Just cropdusted the office
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
