ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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