your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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