im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
