so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
