Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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