Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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