If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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