i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
nutella sex= disaster
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
