you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
