btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize