i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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