I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
