I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
