dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
